did i pretend to be normal or did you just hold me down
by vagabondsolace
Summary: And even if loving her wasn't easy, he wants everyone to know (especially her) that it was never hard. /or, Beck doesn't want to be saved. Beck-centric, Beck


_Summary:_ And even if loving her wasn't easy, he wants everyone to know (especially her) that it was never hard. /or, Beck doesn't want to be saved. Beck-centric, Beck&Jade  
_AN:_ **Non-linear** and if you squint your eyes you might see some plot (but probably not). This is the happiest I could make them. Really.

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_did i pretend to be normal or did you just hold me down_

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Unless you love something, nothing makes sense.

/

Beckett Oliver is different. He shines before he even knows he's a star.  
But when Beck's eight and sees daddy walk out on mommy and how it destroys _everything_, he knows that it's true when they say you're really not somebody –

until somebody else loves you.  
_(the desire to be needed never goes away.)_

/

"You need to believe in your own choices, no matter what others think. We are artists and a true artist does not define success based on the approval of others. You only need to please yourself."

Sikowitz tells them this on the first and last day of every school year.  
Beck looks down at Jade as he plays with her fingers and her hair and he just can't stop touching her because she shines so fucking _bright_ and –

Beck knows he made the right choice.

/

The world is a cold, cruel place – especially if you're in Hollywood – and Beck is just trying to get by, with or without Jade.  
_(he prefers with, though.)_

He feels good doing the wrong things.

/

People like them were raised to be charming, not sincere.  
When they're not together, Beck and Jade (no longer _Beck&Jade_) find themselves destroying everything in their path.

For Beck, it's innocent girls like Tori Vega and Meredith and countless of others of whom he's failed to even remember their names. He knows they'll love him regardless of what he says or does; they'll follow him around because he's _Beck Oliver_ and if you have him, you have the Holy Grail of good-looking boys with perfectly tousled hair. They don't care to know who he is past the surface because that would just ruin the illusion and, for a while, Beck thinks he's okay with that.

Everyone is collateral damage.  
Sometimes broken is just better.

/

Beck isn't sure when he stops loving acting.  
Maybe it's when he realizes he can no longer differentiate between himself and the characters he plays.

_(who the fuck are you?)  
_He takes the money and burns it.  
Beck decides to count stars instead.

/

_(love sucks.)_  
It's childish but, for a moment, Beck thinks it's much easier to just like shit. You can like something forever, but love? It's hard to love something for_ forever_ – especially if they're a person.

He wonders if Jade is the exception.

"Come hell or high water, Jade, you got that?" He tells her this once; spills out like a broken dam and Beck can only hope she'll understand and find the words he can't seem to say.  
Jade sighs, long and tired, and twirls a piece of long dark hair around her finger.

"You're such a sap, Oliver." It sounds harsh and cruel and oh-so-_Jade _but the glimmer in her storming blue eyes give her away and Beck knows –  
_(she loves him, too.)_

/

Jade feels like a poison in that she crawls through his skin and into his bloodstream. He sees the way her lips curl into a smirk as if she knows something he doesn't and Beck knows she's supposed to be so, so bad –

But he just wants a little taste.  
_(come on over.)_

He'll always let her in.

/

No one approves of the enigma that is Jade West.  
And Beck is only fourteen when he wants to _yellcryscream_ at all of them that they're wrong and he isn't sure why or how but he knows that something so captivating and mysterious could never be anything _but _good.

He doesn't know how to pray, but he tries anyway.  
_(Beck tries to do what he's told.)_

They say, "Let us save you,"  
And he tries to listen, really he does, but all he can think about is how Jade's lips don't taste anything like corruption or sin –  
_(the feel of her hand in his is the only heaven he needs.)_

/

One night, as Beck lays tangled in his own sheets with Jade curled into his side, he wonders. He dreams with eyes wide open because he knows the second he closes them, he'll only be left with the ghost of a girl tattooed behind his eyelids and she'll be _gonegonegone_.

Beck knows he'll end up just like his mother if that happens: destroyed.

So he revels in the peppered kisses she places on his chest, collarbone, cheek, ear, lips – and Beck lets her steal his breath even when he starts to feel like he's about to pass out, and he'll never ask her stop _becausebecausebecause_ –

It won't ever be enough.  
_(she's only his until the sun comes up.)_

/

They say that, sometimes, when you can't remember something, your brain makes up a memory to replace the one you've lost. It's this "theory" of sorts that makes Beck wonder just how many of his memories are real – and how many are just a figment of his own twisted imagination.

_(he guesses he'll never know the answer, now will he.)_

/

And even if loving her wasn't easy, he wants everyone _(especially her) _to know that it was never hard.

/

Everything makes sense.

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_fin._

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_AN:_ What is this? I don't even know. I don't think it even made sense (which totally contradicts my ending, now doesn't it). Then again, nothing I write ever does. If you did, however, happen to like it, please feel free to review!


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